I have wanted to share my pregnancy journey with you all for so long because it truly is such a magical time however, with sharing my amazing journey into motherhood it has also brought up emotions of one of the hardest times of my life which i believe is why its taken me 38 weeks into my pregnancy to share with you.
For me my pregnancy journey started in June 2019. My husband and I had it all mapped out. Get married in 2017 and extend our 2 bedroom cottage into a family home in 2018. Once we achieved our big dream and goal of creating a family home we knew 2019 was our year to fall pregnant. My husband is a Sugarcane farmer which means 6 months of the year for us is full on with him working 7 days a week and huge hours so I knew if possible i didn’t want to be expecting a baby within that crazy period. It really felt like we had it all worked out perfectly.
It was a rainy winters Saturday, I was a day or two late for my period and it was the month after we started trying so with a million emotions running through my mind and body I took a test which showed positive. Shocked and in complete disbelief we both looked each other with the thought “are we sure we’re ready?” being at the forefront of our minds. It had been just the two of us for 11 years and our lives were about to change drastically. As the weeks went by we shared our wonderful news with immediate family and with this the excitement started to flow. Two were becoming three and it finally started to feel like the right time for us.
We were 8 weeks pregnant and the day had come for our dating scan and I remember feeling so excited to finally see the little bundle of joy that I was growing because in all honesty I didn’t feel any different physically. On our way to our scan we got a call from a friend of ours announcing that they were expecting in March, our excitement grew instantly with this news as our little ones would be a matter of weeks apart. As I laid on the bed in the radiology room for my scan it felt so surreal that we are about to see our baby for the very first time. As the lady started scanning my belly I jokingly said “please tell me there’s only 1” as twins run in Mitch’s family to which she replied coldly “there’s nothing there”. This can’t be right, there has to be a mistake.
I left feeling broken but most of all shocked as naively miscarriage never crossed my mind. In panic mode I called my doctor right away, thankfully she squeezed me in right away and sent me for a emergency internal scan as she was worried that I had a ectopic pregnancy. Now my anxiety and emotions were at a all time high! Within the space of two hours I had gone from the excitement of seeing our baby for the first time to complete heart break that I had lost the baby and if it showed that I had a ectopic pregnancy I would be getting rushed to hospital for surgery as it could become fatal for me.
In my internal scan they found the yolk and sac of the baby which meant that it could just possibly be that we were a lot earlier than we thought, although we knew between us that the dates didn’t add up we hung onto that as a glimmer of hope. The next step was for me to have a blood test to see if my HCG levels had risen to confirm if I was still pregnant. The next day i anxiously rang the doctor for my results to which she confirmed my HCG levels had doubled since my first test (at 5 weeks which confirmed I was pregnant). My gosh talk about a rollercoaster! The next day however, i started to bleed. Stressed and concerned I did a terrible thing and turned to Dr Google, a lot of people had said that spotting can occur after an internal scan. The next morning the bleeding became heavier and very painful, I knew something wasn’t right and that i had lost our baby. Mitch was quite concerned and wanted to take me to the Pregnancy Assessment Unit at the hospital to which they confirmed I had miscarried. Feeling somewhat numb after the last few days I went home to process it all.
I felt such guilt for feeling how I felt when we found out we were pregnant. How could I have ever felt that way when now all of a sudden I wanted nothing more? I felt like it was the universe sending me a big lesson to be careful of what I put out into the world.
The emotions that I felt for months to come were so hard to describe. I have never felt so alone even though I had family and close friends around, I felt like no one could truly understand. For me one of the things that I found the hardest was that a lot of our friends were announcing that they were expecting with them all being due within a matter of weeks of what we would have been. I felt like with every announcement i broke a little more when i honestly didn’t think i could break anymore. I felt tremendous guilt for feeling this way because I was happy for everyone but at the time it felt like a constant reminder of what i no longer had.
I got to the point where I completely isolated myself. I no longer wanted to go out with our friends because I knew I would be faced with baby talk and would come home in tears to spend the rest of the weekend in bed. I remember feeling like I just wanted to get back to trying because I felt like I wouldn’t be complete again until our time came however, with these feelings started to become obsession, it was all I could think about, it had completely consumed me.
I made a appointment with my naturopath as I wanted to do everything within my power holistically to help us fall again to which she recommended that I wait 3 months to let me body heal and reset. This broke my heart and simply was not a option for me. As each month went by and my period came it was heart break after heart break and would once again result in me being a emotional wreck. I felt completely broken. We had fallen so easily the first time without even truly trying, what was wrong with me this time? I felt like I couldn’t carry on, like absolutely nothing would make me happy again other than being given our time again. I just wanted to run away and escape.
To help get me out of my funk and focus on something else my husband suggested that we look into buying a caravan. Camping was one of our favourite things to do and we both grew up going on camping trips with family and friends and knew that it was something that we wanted our children to also grow up doing. The caravan hunting became a good distraction and gave me a clear goal to work towards. As the weeks went by I began to somewhat relax around conceiving and put my trust and faith in the universe and let go of having to control and fix the situation.
In November three months since our miscarriage, I was due for my period but had no feelings or symptoms that it was coming like I normally would. impatiently I knew I had to do a test! Excited and anxiously i awaited the pregnancy test results, I knew that if it showed negative it would absolutely break me but i also knew something felt different this time. As the test results appeared tears of joy instantly filling my eyes I showed my husband. We were going to be parents! We had been given one of the greatest gifts of becoming a family of 3, being parents and we never felt more ready.
When we loose one blessing, another is often most unexpectedly given in it’s place.”
To be continued in part 2 of my pregnancy journey.
I wanted to share my experience of a miscarriage as I know it is something that often isn’t discussed. If you yourself have had a miscarriage or know someone who has please be kind to yourself and know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. Certain things may trigger you and that’s ok, just because it happened last month or year does not mean that you should be “over it”, there is no rule book on grieving. Please know that you re not alone with 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage it is just something that unfortunately isn’t discussed.
If you would like to reach out to me please know that I am always here for you because one of the things that helped me was reaching out to other women who shared their stories.
Sending you lots of love,